Mamarazzi

Our little one has decided she does not to pose for the camera any longer, as soon as she sees it she runs! This as you can probably imagine has made documenting her childhood a little difficult. Could you give us a smile Moo moo?

Look over here Moo moo!

Awe...come on just one picture Moo moo!

Could you tell us who your wearing Moo moo?

Show us that new tooth Moo moo!


No pictures please!!!

Another one for the cake graveyard

#399 from the list of strange toddler behavior: Cake abandonment once all the frosting has been licked off.

A morning all to myself....well kind of

Monday my Husband was kind enough to take the girls to the gym with him, and the girls were kind enough to go. So a carefree morning of shopping awaited...kind of.

On the way to my first store, Hobby Lobby(by the way the BEST home decor/ knickknack place in the world) I only checked the back seat....hmm fifty times. And I almost made it into the store without going back to the car to make sure I didn't somehow manage to imagine the whole "children free morning scenario" and leaving them in the car.

I know what everyone is thinking, cuckoo( yay I know) and you need to get out more without the children. Working on it.

After I stopped checking for children, and checking my cell phone I realized this is very necessary! The best part was being greeted at the door with their little tails wagging!

Naptime

The three year old going on sixteen is getting very sassy these days! An all too common phrase she uses is " leave me alone!" Usually accompanied by "no" and "I'm going to my room!"


So yesterday I left her alone, and let her go to her room as she requested. When she didn't come back downstairs for awhile I got suspicious, and went to check...this is what I found...


...apparently Miss sassy got sleepy while pretending to be a ladybug preparing a meal? None the less I did not look a gift nap in the mouth, and enjoyed my two hours of freedom!

Shoe Fetish?

#423 from the List of strange toddler behavior: The desire to walk in adult shoes.

You might be as old as me

You might be as old as me if....

The walls in your room were covered from floor to ceiling in Duran Duran posters.

You contemplated wearing a safety pin as an earring.

The barbie dream house was the best Christmas present you've received to date.

You played Pac man, Donkey Kong, and Pit Fall until you lost feeling in your hands.

Saturday mornings meant cartoons.

You saw E.T. in the theater, the first time.

Madonna's performance of "Like a virgin" on MTV's music awards left your parents speechless.

Everyone wanted to live in the "Valley" and say things like "totally tubular" and "bitchin".

The movie "Purple Rain" was a phenomenon.

Dressing up as Prince for Halloween was totally tubular.

You chose what cereal to buy based on the free toy inside.

You almost had yourself convinced you could moonwalk.

And last but not least....

Michael Jackson was cool.

Showdown at Chick fil A

It was the best of times at the Chick fil a play area, it was the worst of times at the Chick fil a play area.

The events you are about read actually took place, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

11:45 "Poopy head" and I walk into one Chick fil a restaurant for an enjoyable lunch with friends.

11:50 "lucky to still be growing" notices a play scape, and rushes off to play.

11:51- 11: 57 Mommy and her adult friend exchange calm, rational conversation.

12:00 Food arrives and Mommy tries to retrieve "cranky pants".

12: 05 "Booger face" throws herself to the ground claiming she doesn't want to eat!

12:10-12:25 Children eating, and jovial, sane adult conversation is allowed to continue.

12:26 Children return to the beloved play scape.

1:00 Mommy tries to explain to " The girl that was supposed to go to Disneyland in December, but might not be now" that it's time to leave.

We did eventually leave Chick fil a after many "full body on the ground tantrums", crying, screaming, hitting, many looks of shock, even more looks of pity. I know with time, and maybe some Prozac we will leave the house again one day.

It's Wednesday right?

So, I'm pulling the wordless Wednesday card finally. Because frankly I don't have any funny stories today, or yesterday, or last week! Can you say blogger burnout?

Breech of Contract

My sixteen month old has decided that other than the necessary transport she does not want any of the following:

Hugs
Kisses
cuddling
rocking
hand holding
touching of any sort unless it involves food handling

Basically no physical contact, and especially that which causes restraint or confinement.
*Diaper changing and finger nail clipping are considered assault

I have looked it up in the rule handbook provided by the hospital, and she in clear violation of breech of cuddling contract...or something like that....which you think should be good for two years, right? Oh well, guess it's time for #3!

Everything looks better after a margarita.

One Thursday afternoon my Husband and I painted a very blue wall.

Which might have looked OK, but not with three brown walls.

One Friday afternoon and two margaritas later we fixed the wall.


And the bedroom lived happily ever after.

The end.

The Muffin Top

Pregnancy and childbirth with my first child left my body completely unscathed. This should have been a sign from the plastic surgery gods to stop while I was ahead. My second ruined me from head to toe! My complexion, breasts, abs( or lack there of), legs, and even feet!

In the last week of my pregnancy she dropped, and I could literally see the stretch marks appear in the course of a day! And that wasn't the worst part, lets just say I couldn't sit down. "OK little stinker, let's just see if you get that car on your sweet 16 now!"

She went a week over due, so we scheduled an induction for the following Monday morning at 8am....at 6am she decided to give herself up.

Long after her birth the hyper pigmentation, sagging sippy cups, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, varicose veins, and half size bigger feet remained.

But Something extraordinary was brought to my attention last week as I was getting dressed....I have a whole new body part!

Scuba girls?

#267 from the list of strange toddler behaviors: the goggle obsession.

One down, a closet full to go

You could say I have a problem getting rid of clothes I haven't worn in " at least a year", or five years. Some might refer to me as a pack rat (love you Hubby) which I don't agree with! You never know when you'll need a very matronly, and not so figure flattering black sweater. So I put my old INC sweater, circa 1999 in the wash in hopes that if I washed the "hasn't been worn in five years smell out" I would love it once again.

I decided to try it on and ask the opinion of my little fashionista.

Me: "Sweetie, is this cute?"

The child: "No!"

Me: Laughing to hard to respond.

The child: "No, no it's not right."

Me: About to pee myself

The child: "Here, let me get you a new shirt."

Out of the closet she comes with anything, and everything that she could find on the closet floor that was pink.

The child: " Here is a new, new, new orange shirt, and sparkly pink pants.

Me: " This is what you want Mommy to wear? Together?"

The child: "Yes, beautiful Princess Mommy."

And with that I put on the orange tank with my Victoria Secret sweats, and tossed the once beloved sweater into the donation bag.

A Recession proof Father's Day

Dear Dada,

This Father's Day since we can't afford that Audi you have coveted from a far,

or the home theater system to complete your

mancave

or the two toned Rolex that you've wanted even before we met

I thought maybe you'd be interested in one of the affordable, but just as enticing gifts we've picked out.



Sex Panther, I mean Old spice

Your very own manscaper



* notice the adjustable arm for hard to reach areas
(I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)




And why wouldn't you want a product that holds 12 times it's weight in liquid? You'll be saying "wow" every time.






Love your girls.

From pet to person

Somewhere between the ages one and three my toddler turned from pet to person. Albeit a very demanding pet, to a very disobedient little person. The metamorphosis is undeniable as I watch my sweet one year old and my sometimes not so sweet three year old.

My one year old, an agreeable little being that lives for my attention, lights up when I walk into the room, and would wag her tail if she had one.

My three year old eager to claim her independence doesn't want to be told what to do, even if she originally wanted to do it.

In the morning my one year old hands me all of her worldly possessions (which consists of her stuffed rabbit, blanket, and pacifier) as a thank you for freeing her.

My three year old demands I help her put on her favorite princess dress, or she will not come out of her room.

My one year old lets me change and dress her with little protest.

My three year old screams "no" as she runs away from her carefully chosen outfit demanding once again what else? Her princess dress.

My one year old eats everything before it even hits the tray on her highchair.

My three year old won't eat anything that doesn't have the words "chicken" and "nugget" in the title.

My one year old actually let's me know when it's nap time.

My three year old lays on the floor of her bedroom screaming, "let me out! I not want a nap!"


For the sake of sounding like I'm not enjoying this motherhood thing I'll stop now...and just say that as trying as it can be it really is magical seeing a pet turn into a person.

Were not in California anymore, Moo moo.

As I sat on the floor of our walk in closet AKA the most interior part of the house trying to keep a toy constantly in my one year olds hand so she's not tempted to leave all 64 square feet we've been sequestered to. While trying to explain to my three year why we are hold up in a closet, but not add to her growing list of nightmare topics.



In between the cries of protest, and incessant chatter about Tinkerbell, I couldn't help but think about the movie panic room. I started to feel a bit silly,after all it has been something like eight years since a Tornado had actually touched down and done any damage. For those of you that don't live in tornado country ( which probably means you live in earthquake country, hurricane country, or severe winter weather country) funnel clouds have to touch down to do any damage. Where we live they rarely do, scratch that, never do. But the way the news people halt all television programming for the same play by play coverage which consists of showing a map of the affected county's, and warning to seek shelter immediately.



Shelter apparently does not include mobile homes. In fact if you do reside in a mobile home I think they instruct you to go outside and tie yourself to the closest pipe you see sticking out of the ground. If you don't have a very large house you are to get into the bathtub and put a mattress over your head...I've decided that sitting in the closet isn't so bad after all

Brilliant!

I found it strange that with Father's Day just around the corner, when all Walmart, Target, and Sears ads have nothing but ideas for Dad...Nordstrom had nothing but ideas for Mother's Day gifts.

When I opened my "90 finds under 90 dollars"...Hmmm...nothing for Dad! Maybe Father's Day doesn't exist at Nordy's?

But the more I though about it I realized this was a brilliant ad campaign to lure Women in to buy for themselves, and end up buying for Dad too!

Bravo Norstrom Bravo.

Why can't they do this at Mother's day?Send out an ad filled with tools, grills, guns, flat screens, pretty much everything they don't sell. Before Dad realizes he was duped he's already bought a really thoughtful gift!

How to negotiate with a terrorist, I mean toddler

When I started writing this I wanted it to be like a true terrorist negotiation checklist, so to the Internet I went. Typed in How to negotiate with a terrorist, but as I looked at my results I became too paranoid to click any choices for fear of the secret service breaking through my windows on little zip line thingys. So I changed the search to how to negotiate with terrorists or toddlers to throw the feds off my trail. I could feel the security threat level drop as I typed.

With no real luck I decided to Share my own strategies that are a result of my oldest just turning tyrannical three.

1. Bribery
There is nothing to feel ashamed about when using acts of bribery. It's really a win-win
Situation. The parent ends up looking like the good guy with lots of yummy lollipops,
while getting the child to leave the park without incidence.

2. Trickery
This is a variation of #1 when you need to get the child to leave the park without incidence,
but don't actually have said lollipop.

3. Fear and Scarcity
Also a variation of #1 when trying to get the child to leave the park without incidence for
for fear of lollipop supply disappearing.

4. Bargaining
Still a variation on #1, but a little different...no wait this is exactly #1.

5. Threatening
A variation of #1, but the words "time out" play a big role.


***note: Counting from 1 to 2 3/4 can be used in conjunction with any of these steps

Technically disabled

I don't think the Design Girl knew what she had gotten herself into when she agreed to give my a blog a face lift until my deposit was paid, and it was too late!

She did a great job designing my blog, but communicating through email with a person that is little to no knowledge of computer terminology....let's face it none.

Me: I want a really sparkly, fun, cute, twinkly blog that is really cute, with some of those cute thingys at the top.

Design girl: So you want me to design a header?

Me: Yeah, and what are those different pages on blogs with bio, and contact, and other cute things?

Design girl: Those blogs are called websites.

Me: Could you make the letters prettier, and kind of fancy?

Design girl: So you want me to change the font?

But as you can see we made it past all the language barriers...behold my shiny, new, CUTE blog!

Thank you Design Girl!

Pool Shark

I think our three year old might be in sales when she grows up, that or a con artist.

She has no problem walking up to total strangers and get them to do her bidding. The other day we were at the park, one minute she's standing near the swings, next minute she's swinging. She conned another Mom to put her in the swing, and push her!

At a birthday party about a month ago every time I'd see her she'd have a new piece of candy unwrapped( a feat she has not mastered), and of course it was a Father who was happy to oblige.

I think it's time for the "don't take candy from strangers" conversation!

Of course she has her little Sister completely snowed often convincing her give up the best toy for something almost as great, like a dried up piece corn from under the highchair. Poor Moo doesn't stand a chance.

So today at the pool she tried to strike up a conversation about her little mermaid beach ball with anyone who would listen. She especially likes to chat with the napping pool goers. They pretend not to hear her, but she doesn't let that stop her.

Her most impressive heist of the day by far was hijacking some poor Women's air mattress while she was still on it, and I think she might have found a third Grandmother! Little stinker!

The most appauling crime of all

Yesterday, while watching our local news I was reminding once again of the hands down, most appalling crime worthy of the death sentence of which I am normally not an advocate of. A Mother who harms her own child! At a local children's hospital a Mother, and I use that term very loosely was caught on camera putting fecal matter onto her toddler's IV. This little girl was born premature, and has been sick the majority of her life(hmm I wonder why?) I actually read about her in a blog I follow, because the Mother had a blog about her sick little girl.

Now not many things strike cords with me like this subject, I am simply sickened! First of all I don't know why just anyone can breed, what other job as important as parenting( there isn't one that even comes close by the way) can you decide you want to do and do it? No school, no entrance exam, no degree, no Psychological evaluation! A Mother harming her own child seem so much worse than a stranger to me. This little being looks to it's Mother for love and protection, and this is how you treat this precious gift that has been given to you. It is just so sad.

She told the police that she kept her child sick for the attention, Munchhausen syndrome I guess. I just hope that with all the "attention" that is attainable with any number of social Internet media that this was an isolated incident.

Enough of this blog stuff...I need to go love my precious gifts!

ZZZ...

The bachelorette that is. What a boring waste of television! I have been a devout follower from it's conception, but there is something extra boring about this season. I say extra because it's not the bachelor. Men just can't bring the irrational hair pulling goodness Women can.

What's the appeal of this show? Twenty five women in a panic to get married or get famous...I don't know which is more pathetic. And when a delusional goal to marry a Man that you've group dated for 3 weeks(or however long it actually amounts to) can only attract one type of Women...a N.I.N.I(narcasist, insane, needy, insecure)

A man can bring J.E.R.K( yeah no acronym here) just the straight up lying player that has winning in mind, and possibly other thoughts, and may or may not have a girlfriend at home. Now I can speak for my self when I say I've seen enough of these live, no need to watch them on T.V.

There is also D.O.R.K(again no explanation). Don't get me wrong geeky guys can be adorable but not when you pair it with the delusional goal to marry a Women you've group dated for 3 weeks. This also happens to be the guy that cries after being eliminated. Actually I think this show is called the tool academy.

Lets Talk a little bit about hot tubs. Hot tub full of Women...good, hot tub full of Men...bad. There is just something wrong about a whole bunch of Men packed into a hot tub together.

The bottom line is that women bring something Men do not...DRAMA, and let's face it that's entertainment!

All hail....

As if her royal lineage was ever in question by the way she rules this household...now there's proof.

Pull ups anonymous

That's right! The girl that was to be married in a diaper hasn't worn a pull up to bed in over a month! She did have one, uh hum...."incident", but we have since then restricted liquid intake before bedtime and outfitted the mattress with a fancy plastic cover. I had planned on letting her where a pull up, well forever but was pleasantly surprised she settled for 2mths! Proving once again, no big girl pants before their time.

I do know of a couple of toddlers that actually initiated the potty training , but mine was not one of those children...not even close! I don't know why I thought it would be hard to try and convince a toddler to poop in a cup.

Alas I feel this is the first concrete, tangible evidence that I'm succeeding at my job. Sure plenty goes on behind the scenes that the public doesn't see, cuddling, feeding, praising, teaching, disciplining. But this, this undeniable proof that after much adversity a milestone has been reached, a goal has been accomplished!

Now how about that raise?

Three things

I saw three annoying thing at the pool today.

1. The Mom/Victoria Beckham impersonator complete with tummy tuck and boob job who couldn't stay seated to save her life! As though I needed to be reminded every two minutes as she walked past me of my not so toned tummy and breasts that aren't exactly standing to attention.

2. The boys that kept throwing a football two inches from my baby's head, and their Mother who said nothing! Which also happened to be the same boys who hogged our toys, and took a bite out of our noodle (A noodle is a long Styrofoam thingy that floats) ...really? So that's how all the noodles get that way! This one kid must go from pool to pool, preying on intact noodles!

3. The two mystery swimmers that claimed the two best seats at the pool by way of a perfectly folded towel on each seat had yet to show themselves. In our two hour visit to the pool no one used the seats, or had the guts to move the towels. Who are these people? Some masochistic pool goers that get there at 8am and set the towels down just in case they decide to actually go to the pool. This is genius! The first time i experienced it was on a cruise ship. As my husband and I headed off to the pool on our 1st day at sea only to find the same perfectly folded towels on several of the seats. No doubt placed there by a half asleep shipmate at the crack of dawn to secure a seat when they decide to roll out of bed at noon.

I just hope when the day comes that I have new boobs, and have developed some sort of sickness that allows me to believe my children can't do wrong, I just hope someone has the guts to take my perfectly folded towel and throw it in the water!

Red wine...

Call me oblivious but I haven't realized until recently that my three year old know the words to most of the songs on the radio. I discovered this the other night at bath time when out of the blue she belts out, "red wine! I've had a much too much!"

Since then I've realized that even though I don't hear her, chances are if I look in the rear view mirror her lips will be moving. Case in point Pink's song rock star, of course her favorite part in the song is "I'm gonna get in trouble, I'm gonna start a fight, nah nah nah....great! That should go over real well at play dates!

So, now the question is do I have to go out and buy a Disney's greatest hits CD, and turn off my beloved radio for good? The very thought gives me heart palpitations! I'm supposed to listen to "a small world" during one of the only conflict free times in this SAHM's day, not to mention one of the only times I can legally restrain a toddler and corrupt it with "when you wish upon a star"?

I guess there are worse things.

Popsicle on safari

No good deed goes unpunished! Today at the zoo I let the child have a Popsicle, and guess who got stuck holding the Popsicle?

Popsicle in the lion's den.

Visiting with Dumbo, and meerkat manor.


Checking out the fish, while you know who holds the you know what.

and sadly it's demise.

Ok so maybe this post should have been titled Mommy's lost it, wouldn't be entirely untrue.