The Muffin Top

Pregnancy and childbirth with my first child left my body completely unscathed. This should have been a sign from the plastic surgery gods to stop while I was ahead. My second ruined me from head to toe! My complexion, breasts, abs( or lack there of), legs, and even feet!

In the last week of my pregnancy she dropped, and I could literally see the stretch marks appear in the course of a day! And that wasn't the worst part, lets just say I couldn't sit down. "OK little stinker, let's just see if you get that car on your sweet 16 now!"

She went a week over due, so we scheduled an induction for the following Monday morning at 8am....at 6am she decided to give herself up.

Long after her birth the hyper pigmentation, sagging sippy cups, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, varicose veins, and half size bigger feet remained.

But Something extraordinary was brought to my attention last week as I was getting dressed....I have a whole new body part!

Scuba girls?

#267 from the list of strange toddler behaviors: the goggle obsession.

One down, a closet full to go

You could say I have a problem getting rid of clothes I haven't worn in " at least a year", or five years. Some might refer to me as a pack rat (love you Hubby) which I don't agree with! You never know when you'll need a very matronly, and not so figure flattering black sweater. So I put my old INC sweater, circa 1999 in the wash in hopes that if I washed the "hasn't been worn in five years smell out" I would love it once again.

I decided to try it on and ask the opinion of my little fashionista.

Me: "Sweetie, is this cute?"

The child: "No!"

Me: Laughing to hard to respond.

The child: "No, no it's not right."

Me: About to pee myself

The child: "Here, let me get you a new shirt."

Out of the closet she comes with anything, and everything that she could find on the closet floor that was pink.

The child: " Here is a new, new, new orange shirt, and sparkly pink pants.

Me: " This is what you want Mommy to wear? Together?"

The child: "Yes, beautiful Princess Mommy."

And with that I put on the orange tank with my Victoria Secret sweats, and tossed the once beloved sweater into the donation bag.

A Recession proof Father's Day

Dear Dada,

This Father's Day since we can't afford that Audi you have coveted from a far,

or the home theater system to complete your

mancave

or the two toned Rolex that you've wanted even before we met

I thought maybe you'd be interested in one of the affordable, but just as enticing gifts we've picked out.



Sex Panther, I mean Old spice

Your very own manscaper



* notice the adjustable arm for hard to reach areas
(I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)




And why wouldn't you want a product that holds 12 times it's weight in liquid? You'll be saying "wow" every time.






Love your girls.

From pet to person

Somewhere between the ages one and three my toddler turned from pet to person. Albeit a very demanding pet, to a very disobedient little person. The metamorphosis is undeniable as I watch my sweet one year old and my sometimes not so sweet three year old.

My one year old, an agreeable little being that lives for my attention, lights up when I walk into the room, and would wag her tail if she had one.

My three year old eager to claim her independence doesn't want to be told what to do, even if she originally wanted to do it.

In the morning my one year old hands me all of her worldly possessions (which consists of her stuffed rabbit, blanket, and pacifier) as a thank you for freeing her.

My three year old demands I help her put on her favorite princess dress, or she will not come out of her room.

My one year old lets me change and dress her with little protest.

My three year old screams "no" as she runs away from her carefully chosen outfit demanding once again what else? Her princess dress.

My one year old eats everything before it even hits the tray on her highchair.

My three year old won't eat anything that doesn't have the words "chicken" and "nugget" in the title.

My one year old actually let's me know when it's nap time.

My three year old lays on the floor of her bedroom screaming, "let me out! I not want a nap!"


For the sake of sounding like I'm not enjoying this motherhood thing I'll stop now...and just say that as trying as it can be it really is magical seeing a pet turn into a person.

Were not in California anymore, Moo moo.

As I sat on the floor of our walk in closet AKA the most interior part of the house trying to keep a toy constantly in my one year olds hand so she's not tempted to leave all 64 square feet we've been sequestered to. While trying to explain to my three year why we are hold up in a closet, but not add to her growing list of nightmare topics.



In between the cries of protest, and incessant chatter about Tinkerbell, I couldn't help but think about the movie panic room. I started to feel a bit silly,after all it has been something like eight years since a Tornado had actually touched down and done any damage. For those of you that don't live in tornado country ( which probably means you live in earthquake country, hurricane country, or severe winter weather country) funnel clouds have to touch down to do any damage. Where we live they rarely do, scratch that, never do. But the way the news people halt all television programming for the same play by play coverage which consists of showing a map of the affected county's, and warning to seek shelter immediately.



Shelter apparently does not include mobile homes. In fact if you do reside in a mobile home I think they instruct you to go outside and tie yourself to the closest pipe you see sticking out of the ground. If you don't have a very large house you are to get into the bathtub and put a mattress over your head...I've decided that sitting in the closet isn't so bad after all

Brilliant!

I found it strange that with Father's Day just around the corner, when all Walmart, Target, and Sears ads have nothing but ideas for Dad...Nordstrom had nothing but ideas for Mother's Day gifts.

When I opened my "90 finds under 90 dollars"...Hmmm...nothing for Dad! Maybe Father's Day doesn't exist at Nordy's?

But the more I though about it I realized this was a brilliant ad campaign to lure Women in to buy for themselves, and end up buying for Dad too!

Bravo Norstrom Bravo.

Why can't they do this at Mother's day?Send out an ad filled with tools, grills, guns, flat screens, pretty much everything they don't sell. Before Dad realizes he was duped he's already bought a really thoughtful gift!

How to negotiate with a terrorist, I mean toddler

When I started writing this I wanted it to be like a true terrorist negotiation checklist, so to the Internet I went. Typed in How to negotiate with a terrorist, but as I looked at my results I became too paranoid to click any choices for fear of the secret service breaking through my windows on little zip line thingys. So I changed the search to how to negotiate with terrorists or toddlers to throw the feds off my trail. I could feel the security threat level drop as I typed.

With no real luck I decided to Share my own strategies that are a result of my oldest just turning tyrannical three.

1. Bribery
There is nothing to feel ashamed about when using acts of bribery. It's really a win-win
Situation. The parent ends up looking like the good guy with lots of yummy lollipops,
while getting the child to leave the park without incidence.

2. Trickery
This is a variation of #1 when you need to get the child to leave the park without incidence,
but don't actually have said lollipop.

3. Fear and Scarcity
Also a variation of #1 when trying to get the child to leave the park without incidence for
for fear of lollipop supply disappearing.

4. Bargaining
Still a variation on #1, but a little different...no wait this is exactly #1.

5. Threatening
A variation of #1, but the words "time out" play a big role.


***note: Counting from 1 to 2 3/4 can be used in conjunction with any of these steps

Technically disabled

I don't think the Design Girl knew what she had gotten herself into when she agreed to give my a blog a face lift until my deposit was paid, and it was too late!

She did a great job designing my blog, but communicating through email with a person that is little to no knowledge of computer terminology....let's face it none.

Me: I want a really sparkly, fun, cute, twinkly blog that is really cute, with some of those cute thingys at the top.

Design girl: So you want me to design a header?

Me: Yeah, and what are those different pages on blogs with bio, and contact, and other cute things?

Design girl: Those blogs are called websites.

Me: Could you make the letters prettier, and kind of fancy?

Design girl: So you want me to change the font?

But as you can see we made it past all the language barriers...behold my shiny, new, CUTE blog!

Thank you Design Girl!

Pool Shark

I think our three year old might be in sales when she grows up, that or a con artist.

She has no problem walking up to total strangers and get them to do her bidding. The other day we were at the park, one minute she's standing near the swings, next minute she's swinging. She conned another Mom to put her in the swing, and push her!

At a birthday party about a month ago every time I'd see her she'd have a new piece of candy unwrapped( a feat she has not mastered), and of course it was a Father who was happy to oblige.

I think it's time for the "don't take candy from strangers" conversation!

Of course she has her little Sister completely snowed often convincing her give up the best toy for something almost as great, like a dried up piece corn from under the highchair. Poor Moo doesn't stand a chance.

So today at the pool she tried to strike up a conversation about her little mermaid beach ball with anyone who would listen. She especially likes to chat with the napping pool goers. They pretend not to hear her, but she doesn't let that stop her.

Her most impressive heist of the day by far was hijacking some poor Women's air mattress while she was still on it, and I think she might have found a third Grandmother! Little stinker!

The most appauling crime of all

Yesterday, while watching our local news I was reminding once again of the hands down, most appalling crime worthy of the death sentence of which I am normally not an advocate of. A Mother who harms her own child! At a local children's hospital a Mother, and I use that term very loosely was caught on camera putting fecal matter onto her toddler's IV. This little girl was born premature, and has been sick the majority of her life(hmm I wonder why?) I actually read about her in a blog I follow, because the Mother had a blog about her sick little girl.

Now not many things strike cords with me like this subject, I am simply sickened! First of all I don't know why just anyone can breed, what other job as important as parenting( there isn't one that even comes close by the way) can you decide you want to do and do it? No school, no entrance exam, no degree, no Psychological evaluation! A Mother harming her own child seem so much worse than a stranger to me. This little being looks to it's Mother for love and protection, and this is how you treat this precious gift that has been given to you. It is just so sad.

She told the police that she kept her child sick for the attention, Munchhausen syndrome I guess. I just hope that with all the "attention" that is attainable with any number of social Internet media that this was an isolated incident.

Enough of this blog stuff...I need to go love my precious gifts!

ZZZ...

The bachelorette that is. What a boring waste of television! I have been a devout follower from it's conception, but there is something extra boring about this season. I say extra because it's not the bachelor. Men just can't bring the irrational hair pulling goodness Women can.

What's the appeal of this show? Twenty five women in a panic to get married or get famous...I don't know which is more pathetic. And when a delusional goal to marry a Man that you've group dated for 3 weeks(or however long it actually amounts to) can only attract one type of Women...a N.I.N.I(narcasist, insane, needy, insecure)

A man can bring J.E.R.K( yeah no acronym here) just the straight up lying player that has winning in mind, and possibly other thoughts, and may or may not have a girlfriend at home. Now I can speak for my self when I say I've seen enough of these live, no need to watch them on T.V.

There is also D.O.R.K(again no explanation). Don't get me wrong geeky guys can be adorable but not when you pair it with the delusional goal to marry a Women you've group dated for 3 weeks. This also happens to be the guy that cries after being eliminated. Actually I think this show is called the tool academy.

Lets Talk a little bit about hot tubs. Hot tub full of Women...good, hot tub full of Men...bad. There is just something wrong about a whole bunch of Men packed into a hot tub together.

The bottom line is that women bring something Men do not...DRAMA, and let's face it that's entertainment!